Longing, Wrongly

Flickr photo by Andrea D’Ippolito

There is a longing deep down in my gut. It is infused with pain and passion. It might not be the right kind of longing though. You see, I am single. Because I am single, I can be found prone to spiraling down from complete contentment in the Lord to complete longing for compliments and glances from the guy with a sharp haircut who tells me my dress looks nice or the guy with the ironic mustache who tells me my hair smells lovely. My foundation rocks and steadiness dissipates. I just want what I want because I don’t have it. How does anybody live single life successfully, when we long so wrongly? How can I stand firm when I find myself drowning in waves of want and desire?

On a good day, my aches are for the source of light, and not for mere flickers or flashes of lust. My spirit, adamant, intervenes consistently to cultivate and conquer the hardship that is anything outside of Jesus Christ. But like many, I often thirst for recognition — to be loved. Even if it means being loved by all the wrong people. I am too often found searching for what I think I need, when already what I do need has been sustaining me and has been found for me in it’s entirety by a loving Father. The fact is there is peace, there is forgiveness, and there is a promise.

I’m learning it is the sincere and close observations of what God has done and is doing for me. Simple acknowledgement and gratitude and for two main points in my life.

While I have chased these wants, His love remains faithful and wills me to remember His sweetness. His faithfulness has even driven mine into better form, as each day continues, one after the next. Even if I may feel further from a husband, I am closer to a bigger deal — longing firstly for God.

Secondly, I am unbroken and intact because of my singleness. Since there is a season to mourn and a season to rejoice, there is definitely a season to be single and to open my own doors. I will be glad to be in it because it is a rare, unique and special opportunity to trust, rely, and live in and for God alone. This is the time to give Him my undivided devotion.

So this is where I’m at right now. I wait and fend off emotions of bitterness. I am learning to be a person who remembers what He has done for her. Longing wrongly can easily turn into a self-defined version of “truth” that declares, “I lack, because I am single.” Because of real-life instances where I have to shove the door open myself or flee any area when music starts playing at a down-tempo, I’m learning gradually and graciously that my singleness subtly communicates a certain “vulnerability-meets-privilege.” On the one hand, I have to battle with feelings of want, but on the other I have the opportunity and the time to solidify my relationship with God. The best I can do is to continue to walk through the doors knowing full well that though I may have to open these doors by myself for now, I am walking towards the path of righteous longing. I am fulfilled in what I do not have because what I do have is certainly enough.